Poem

Cancer is like a rainstorm; sleet, downpour, snow, hail and drizzle. Never knowing the next place it will take you. Unexpected, shocking, the pit in the bottom of your stomach that makes you feel sick. The feeling that you are always going to be in pain and always have to worry. Fear, uneasiness, dread, queasiness, sinking feeling. When will I feel better? When I do feel physically better, when will the turmoil and fearful emotions go away? Will I be the same? Will I look the same? I will have a new normal to get used to. Life will be different as a cancer survivor, good days and bad days. I guess I will get used to that with time. Moving forward, volunteering and helping other cancer patients. Survivor, warrior, kicking cancer to the curb.

The C Word

I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer back in August. I haven't felt an overwhelming need to write about it until now. I had a lumpectomy and all my lymph nodes under my arm removed in September. The recovery was longer than I thought and the results came back that the margins were not clean. Since it had spread to the lymph nodes, I needed chemo, which I started in October. Every other Thursday for 8 rounds. I felt some side effects, but got through it and had good weeks "in between". I had a re-incision surgery in February to get the rest of the cancer, but again margins were not clean. So two and a half weeks ago I had a mastectomy. I'm not going to lie, it has been hard. I was scared going into it, not fun thinking about losing a breast, a part of your body. The surgery went well and I woke up in some pain, but helped with pain meds. The two drains under my arm were painful and getting out of bed took a lot out of me. Now, two weeks later, I have much less pain; more soreness and heaviness in my breast. There is a tissue expander there, which will eventually be swapped for an implant, (it doesn't end). The one drain that is left still hurts and tugs the wrong way and prevents me from doing much with my arm. So I just sit here and am bored most of the time. I feel hurt, frustrated and emotionally drained. This mastectomy and recovery has been the hardest part! I really just want to get my life back. It is such a process; the reconstruction surgery happening sometime next winter. People say that they learn so much from having cancer, I haven't learned a thing, except that it sucks! I've had enough other things in my life, that I don't need anymore life lessons. I feel very deeply for others and try to care for them. I want to be better and enjoy life and help other people again. I still have radiation, reconstruction surgery and ovary removal surgery to go. And 3 medications with all kinds of side effects! I think after radiation, I will feel a little more done and can hopefully enjoy the summer. I dream of the beach and pool and relaxing! Thank for listening. A few resources I have found helpful: www.dana-farber.org/zakim